Electronically Correct There are two kinds of people: 1) people who keep their technology reasonably up-to-date, and 2) people like me who stay two steps ahead of the Amish. My rule of thumb is, “If it ain’t broke, don’t upgrade it.” This practice stems from the horror of mastering another digital device and from the notion that if I wait long enough I can buy THE FINAL VERSION with no future upgrades necessary ever. Yeah, and pints of Chunky Monkey might spring up out of my vegetable garden. My car “entertainment” system consists of a tape deck that still works just fine. No, it’s not an eight-track, although that was a fair question. But there’s no CD player. Anyway, they don’t make CD players for Pintos, do they? The day I went shopping for the soundtrack of Chicago, the record store clerk assured me that they don’t get cassettes any more—in the same tone you would use to inform someone that the earth isn’t flat. As proof, she directed me to the Paleolithic corner where they “displayed” their humiliated little inventory of audiocassettes. Chicago was not among them, nor was any recording since Perry Como’s Christmas.I left the store determined to find the tape or a sympathetic music label that would make me one. But eventually I surrendered to Plan B, which involved seeing the movie 14 times and humming the tunes in my car. Like my tape deck, our VCR works just fine. But whenever I browse the movie rentals I notice how the DVDs are squeezing out the videos. Soon the beloved VCR will be shamed, forgotten, and dishonorably discontinued, surpassed by its sophisticated successor whose owners are often found stuck in the digital learning curve, hosting an evening of director’s cuts and alternate endings, followed by the second half of the movie. Like our VCR, our telephones work just fine. No, they’re not rotary dial, although that was a fair question. But our corded phones don’t pick up all that interference like the cordless ones—the buzzing and static, the police radio calls, the signals from Hubble. Occasionally one of our phones poops out and I have to replace it. Then begins the long pilgrimage through the electronics department past hundreds of cordless models to the Aisle of Extinction “displaying” Underwood typewriters, Riverdance videos, and three corded telephones reduced for clearance that probably belonged to the department manager who failed to sell them on eBay because I don’t shop there. Like our corded phones, my cell phone works just fine; I bought it last February. By April I figured out how to use it. By July I retrieved my three phone messages. Luckily they were all from my husband and only one was an emergency. I’d been wondering what happened to him. He’s fine now. I got AAA to tow his car and I gave him a lift home while we listened to music. No, I wasn’t humming Chicago tunes, although that was a fair question. We listened to Perry Como’s Christmas. Copyright 2003 Patricia Draznin |
55. Welcoming Winter with Shovels and Fans
54. Making the Earth our BFF
53. GJ 581g: Cool planets are hard to find
52. Give thanks, and please pass the drumstick
51. GOING GREEN: News that’s not about healthcare
50. Buddy, Can You Spare a Latté?
49. Recent survey reveals public opinion on public opinion
48. Going for the Horizontal Gold
47. TV watchers and the watchers who watch them
46. Will Work for Gas
45. Caution: Slow Food
44. MySpace is Bigger Than Your Space
43. Race to the White House Oh-Eight
42. Man: A Bow-Wow’s Best Friend
41. Return of A Native
40. Stalking the Wild Tornado
39. The 1040 Rebellion
38. Furry forecaster seeks shadow, movie sequels
37. Candidate Clearance Sale: Time For A Change
36. Booo! SCARY is in the Dangling Eye of the Beholder
35. Pluto, Phone Home
34. Antarctica: The Next Gated Community
33. The Fizz that Refreshes
32. Cuppa Joe: When fast things happen to slow people
31. Flying A La Carte
30. Oscar Madness: Petty and Proud
29. Super Bowl 101
28. 30 Days Have September
27. Have Yourself a Merry Little BLEEP
26. Disposable Phones
25. Mick and Me
24. Secrets to Surviving a Happy Marriage
23. Fahrenheit 101: The Temperature Where Iowans Melt
22. May The Force Be With Me
21. Holes for Sale
20. Daylight Spending
19. Clutter Kills
18. Smoke & Ladders, C.O.D.
17. bookyourhoteldotcom
16. Watching TV for Dummies
15. When Slow Things Happen to Fast People
14. How I Spent My Summer Vacation
13. I Keep Forgetting
12. Leaves of Three: Don’t Make Tea!
11. Dude, Where’s My Carbs?
10. The A-Words: Allergy and Aaaa-choo!
9. Crumbs
8. Pumping Irony
7. Be My Valentine and No One Gets Hurt
6. Giving It Up for New Years
5. Airport Envy: Getting There from Here
4. Electronically Correct
3. Gardening for the Vegetable Impaired
2. Hard Driving
1. Getting Frisked for a Loan
|